I think we're having ham this year

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I've been slow to accept Stephen Colbert's new gig, but either I'm softening or Stephen is getting better.

On last night's Late Show, Stephen opened with a frank discussion about how we can solve the ISIS problem before getting into a deliciously contentious debate with Bill Maher. He closed the show with an animal act billed as the "Acro Cats." The cats responded to the high-pressure of a televised performance pretty much the same way Bill Maher did: by refusing to be led or cajoled. Hilarious.

Good work, Mr. Colbert. You've got my attention.

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After the last few weeks of nearly solid rain, I decided that I needed to replace the windshield wipers on my Jeep. What I soon discovered was that my local auto parts store doesn't carry them anymore.

Oh, they have wipers. Lots of wipers. They just don't have a 12" blade to fit the front windshield of a '95 Jeep YJ Wrangler. It seems no model car uses blades that small in 2015. The two things every new car buyer is looking for must be multiple cup holders and 22-inch long wipers.

As your car gets older, you expect it to take a little more TLC to keep running. You know that if you damage it, some parts, like dashboards and bumpers, are going to be hard to replace. But windshield wipers? Next you'll be telling me that I can't find rectangular front headlights anymore.

Maybe the parts manufacturers are trying to tell me something. Maybe it's time to make a change. As much as I'm going to miss it, I'll never drive in the rain again.

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From the Girls Have Cooties Department:

In this adventure, the Red Bee goes after car thieves. He's joined on this mission by one Valerie Ransome, the latest in a growing trend of plucky young women who are better at the Red Bee's job than he is. Valerie has had her new-to-her used car stolen, and is itching to get into action.

You do remember you have a gun, right?
Hit Comics #19, January 1942

Valerie leads Red Bee to the Acme Garage, where they find the owner cleaning out his own business. His used cars are stolen, and he's willing to murder the District Attorney to ensure no one ever finds out. So far as Red Bee villains go, this is a pretty solid plan.

Our hero foils his plan, steals a motorcycle, and for no apparent reason takes Valerie along on a high-speed chase to capture the oxymoronic no-good used car salesman and his gang. In the big finish, Valerie picks up a stick and wades into the melee, saving the Red Bee's bacon. Does this bit of bravado earn her a peck on the cheek? No, of course not.

Taking a car full of crooks to the cops is woman's work!

"Now scram, Valerie. I've only got eyes for bees!"

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Fuck Christmas

That blurry picture is my neighbor's house. If you can't tell, that's a Christmas Tree in the window. I post it because this isn't last year's picture. It was taken the day after Halloween!

Last week also saw the release of the annual Christmas issue of Coweta County Magazine. Home Depot has replaced it's bird seed with artificial tinsels. I can't watch a football game without seeing Black Friday advertisements.

When I was a child, it seemed like Christmas would never get here. The entire month of December was spent waiting for Santa's visit. How hellish must the holiday be for today's children who are taunted by visions of sugarplums before they've opened their first piece of Halloween candy?

Christmas has become the bully of holidays, stealing two months from autumn to become the fifth season of the year and demanding that Thanksgiving surrender its milk money. Fuck you, Christmas. Fuck you and the sleigh you rode in on.

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Christmas is just like any other day for Victoria: tricks aplenty

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Jets flew over the stadium before kickoff. Aaron Murray and AJ Green were in the stadium. The Bulldogs beat the Kentucky Wildcats 27 to 3. And I wasn't there to see any of it.

This space intentionally left blank

It wasn't that I had anything better to do; I just didn't care to go. From what I saw on television, I wasn't the only one. UGA played so poorly during the month of October that it may take a year before I have any interest in attending another game in person. Football is entertainment, and I have not been entertained.

The Bulldogs were completely embarrassed by Florida after having two weeks to prepare. That's a coaching failure that I cannot forgive. That the same coaching staff was able to manage a 24-point victory over a self-destructive Kentucky team with nothing on the line does nothing to restore my faith. The dogs have already lost to every rival they've played this season with Auburn and Georgia Tech yet to go. Neither of those teams has a winning record, and I'll still be shocked if this UGA team beats either one of them.

A national title is always a remote probability, but I agreed with most people who thought UGA would be good enough to win the SEC East. Were my expectations out of line with reality? Should I have expected that a Georgia team overflowing with recruiting talent wouldn't even show up for a game against Alabama? Should I have predicted the team would allow a mediocre Tennessee to mount a three touchdown comeback or fail to score a single touchdown against both Missouri and Florida? No, those would have been unreasonable expectations.

Perhaps it's time for Georgia fans to adjust their hopes downward. Maybe it's enough for those kids to earn scholarships and learn some life skills. Because they certainly aren't being taught how to win football games.

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On Thursday afternoon, I thought of something that I absolutely, positively wanted to blog about for today.

On Thursday evening, I could not remember that that thing was.

I've been back through the newspaper, re-read my emails and texts, and racked my brain, but I can't for the life of me figure it out. I know that it was time sensitive; something I had to have said here before the weekend.

Was it about sports? I don't think so. I'd already decided not to talk about football again until tomorrow. It also wouldn't have been about politics (who cares?) or super heroes (I think). Could it have been local news? A rant about something no one in the world cares about but me? Who knows.

So this is all you get today: a rambling post about nothing. You're welcome.

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I spent too many hours watching old Veronica Mars episodes in October, and as a result, I watched only 8 new-to-me movies. Here's the first four.

165. (912.) Jewel Robbery (1932)
It seems William Powell always played a debauched lawyer or detective, or a debonair con man or thief. As you can probably tell by the title, in this romantic comedy, he's the latter. Light on plot, this film was the date movie of its day.

166. (913.) Rendevous (1935)
Here William Powell plays a reluctant spy (who's a kind of con man) during The Great War. I spent the entire film thinking that Rosalind Russell's scheming society girl should have been played by Myrna Loy. That might have provided the extra spark this rather dull thriller needed.

167. (914.) Man of Steel (2013)
No, I didn't watch all of this movie. I just couldn't take it. It was worse than I thought it would be. The Kryptonese are assholes. Pa Kent is an asshole. The other kids in Clark's school are assholes. The kids who bully the kids who bully Clark Kent are assholes. Their parents are assholes.... All the conflict in the entire movie comes from people being assholes to one another. The filmmakers seem to have thought that in order to make Superman "good," every other character in the entire movie has to be an asshole. That's such a fundamental understanding of what makes the character of Superman great that it killed any desire I had of seeing how the actual plot was resolved. I hope Superman flew away and went to some Universe that wasn't populated with just assholes.

168. (915.) The Cincinnati Kid (1965)
Steve McQueen plays Paul Newman in The Hustler! Whoo-hoo! I didn't love this film, but I didn't find it nearly as terrible as The Hustler. That's probably largely thanks to McQueen, whose typically mute style (see also: Clint Eastwood and Harrison Ford) allowed his card sharp to be a far more sympathetic character than Paul Newman's pool shark.

More to come.

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We interrupt this blog for a word in support of Supergirl: I saw the pilot episode last week, and I liked it.

I liked the premise. The show invents a background for the character that combines the histories of various comic book incarnations of Supergirl, so whichever Supergirl is "your" Supergirl, you'll find something familiar. Personally, I missed Argo City, but I suspect the show will get around to that sooner than later.

I also liked the cast. Melissa Benoist is a cheerful yet powerful Kara Zor-El, and Calista Flockhart makes a passable J. Jonah Jameson analog. (Yes, I know Superman's boss is Perry White, but Calista's Cat Grant character is channeling The Devil Wears Prada's Meryl Streep. At his worst, Perry White just isn't that callous.) I especially enjoyed Mehcad Brooks playing the buff, black re-imagining of Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen. I hope that the inclusion of Hank Henshaw (Cyborg Superman!) and the Department of Extranormal Operations (D.E.O) means that we will soon see its director, Mr. Bones. (For those who don't read comics, Mr. Bones looks like a chain-smoking skeleton because all of his soft tissue organs are invisible. Because mad scientists!)

But my favorite part of the show is Superman himself. He's never fully seen on screen, but his presence drives almost every interaction, from Kara's origin to the motivation of her supporting cast and enemies. Rarely a scene passed without a mention or allusion to him. Clearly, every character on the show is in awe of Superman (as they should be). To some viewers it might seem intrusive, but to me it felt appropriate. If Superman were a real person, leaping over tall buildings and speeding past bullets, we'd talk about him and his exploits all the time. There'd be a cottage industry built around it. In Supergirl's National City, there is.

Do I have complaints? You betcha. CGI special effects often looked cheap. Villain motivation was razor-thin to non-existent. Character mood swings border on the psychotic. The costume is far too dark. (And what's with the black nylons? Who wears pantyhose anymore?) But all those gripes were minor irritations in the bigger picture. When the episode ended, I was smiling.

I look forward to seeing more in January after the Monday Night Football season ends. I could probably record Supergirl episodes, but I don't want to get carried away. I can only like so many things at a time, you know.

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To be continued...

 

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