Finally! These are the last of the movies I watched in 2018.

204. (1433.) Monkey Business (1952)
I'd seen clips from this movie so many times, I thought I had seen the whole thing. In fact, I'd somehow confused this with Bringing Up Baby, but that definitely doesn't have Marilyn Monroe in it.

205. (1434.) Hooper (1978)
There's not much narrative in this action film about stuntmen starring Burt Reynolds as World's Greatest Stuntmanâ„¢. It's all good fun so long as no one blows out his back. (By the way, I'm certain that the finale of this movie is the basis for the first stage of the 2002 Stuntman video game level "A Whoopin' and a Hollerin'." I'm just sayin'.)

206. (1435.) The Boss (2016)
As a film fan and armchair critic, I should complain that the things Melissa McCarthy says and does in this film aren't funny, but they are. Enjoy.

207. (1436.) The Angry Birds Movie (2016)
Honestly, The Boss is a more entertaining movie. (Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because this is supposed to be a kid's movie? It's well enough made, and the comedic actors involved are top notch, but I found it lacking punch.)

208. (1437.) Blue Velvet (1986)
Finally. I avoided this for years because I've never seen a David Lynch film I liked. I still haven't, but it wasn't as uncomfortable as I feared. It's weird and unsettling, but it does have its moments.

209. (1438.) Sorceress (1982)
This movie — about a pair of frequently topless barbarian twins played by Playboy models — has nothing to do with its title. But I watched it anyway. Because tits.

210. (1439.) Screwballs (1983)
Apparently, Canadian tax breaks for filmmakers in the early 80s led to a spate of teen sex comedies. Think Porky's with a thinner plot. I enjoyed it. Because tits. Apparently, that's the kind of film fan and armchair critic I am. I also like Coke.

More to come in 2019.

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On the afternoon of Wednesday, May 16, lightning struck a tree behind our house. Though the strike was indirect and didn't hit our power lines, several electronic components were still damaged. It killed our Tivo, broke our TV's HDMI processor, and, most importantly for the purpose of this blog post, fried my elliptical.

The elliptical console would no longer power on. A quick test with a lamp proved that the power outlet still worked. My trusty voltage detector told me that the elliptical power supply was still functioning, but the console just would not respond. So I did what anyone would do: I bought a new console.

That was easier said than done. My Schwinn 430 is a discontinued model, so parts aren't exactly easy to find. I did eventually find a retailer online with a new console in stock, and the part arrived a week later. Only it wasn't exactly identical to mine — meaning it was an updated redesign used by more modern models. It also didn't work.

To be clear, the power supply doesn't plug directly into the console. It plugs into a round hole at the base of the elliptical, and power is passed through a sensor array and then transfers to the console motherboard via a 8-pin connector cable. Therefore, I couldn't tell if the problem was that the new console was incompatible or some other problem.

At this point did I do what I should have done earlier and tested the cables inside the elliptical's sealed wheel shroud. That required quite a bit of deconstruction. I took apart the arms and the treads and the mast only to be stymied by the crank arms. To remove the crank arms required a crank puller, a bicycle tool. I didn't have a crank puller. So to continue my disassembly, I had to order one of those. While I was at it, I decided to order a new power supply from the same source to save on shipping.

The crank arrived in three days, and it was perfect for the job. But before I took the cranks off, I decided to test the power supply. Surprise, surprise, plugging that into the system made made it all work again! Both the old and new consoles worked fine.

The replacement console cost me $240. The crank puller was $12, and the new power supply was $10. I spent far more than was necessary when it was the cheapest part that needed replacing. The worst part is that I'm sure I didn't learn anything from the entire experience.

Epilogue to this story is that when I finally got everything put back together and working again and started my first workout in nearly a month, the power to the house went out. If there is a God, he's got a sick sense of humor.

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I haven't dumped on the Miami Dolphins enough this year. Let me start correcting that.

Yesterday before the NFL trade dealine, the Miami Dolphins traded their starting running back, Jay Ajayi, to the Philadelphia Eagles for a 4th round pick. (True story: they wanted to trade their best wide receiver, Jarvis Landry, but they couldn't find a taker willing to pay the asking price, presumably a 3rd round pick.) Ajayi had three 200+ yard games last year and ran for a total of 1,272 yards. For comparison, Jay Cutler passed for only 1,059 in 2016. Given that Cutler no longer has a running back to help him anymore, that number is going to have to get a lot better fast. That doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon.

You may have had the misfortune of seeing last Thursday's "game" in which the Dolphins were beaten 40-0. That wasn't because Cutler was out with broken ribs, and it wasn't because Ajayi forgot the playbook. It was because the offensive line played offensively. Who saw that coming? I mean, it's not like the offensive line coach quit two weeks earlier after being caught doing cocaine and models. Oh, wait. Yes, it was exactly like that.

But that was just one game. Otherwise, the Dolphins' offense has been great! Not. The team is last in the league in points scored. It's also last in the league in yards gained. Normally, when a team is bad in all offensive categories, they'll fire the Offensive Coordinator. But the Dolphins can't do that, because the Offensive Coordinator is also the Head Coach. So bye-bye, Ajayi.

Adding insult to insult, the Dolphins were careful to belittle Ajayi on the way out the door. "He has a bad attitude and bad work habits. And, oh yeah, bad knees, too!" Stay classy, Miami! You really fleeced Philadelphia out of that 4th round pick.

There are 9 games left in the season, but at least the team still has Cutler! How the hell am I supposed to cheer for this dumpster fire?

(On a seemingly unrelated note: the initial 2017 NCAA College Football Playoff Rankings were also released yesterday, and the Georgia Bulldogs have jumped the Alabama Crimson Tide for first place. Whoo hoo! If the price I have to pay for a great Bulldogs team is a terrible Miami team, I'm in.)

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Movies. June. 3/3.

90. (1149.) Cornered (1945)
The plot mostly involves Dick Powell getting hit in the head a lot until he accidentally murders the right guy. It might be a rough watch if not for Powell's commitment to the role. He totally owned the noir films he was in. He's so good at noir, it's almost hard for me to watch him in his early song and dance films.

91. (1150.) Gypsy (1962)
The true life story of Gypsy Lee Rose Gypsy Rose Lee as told in song! I hope in real life, Gypsy Lee Rose Gypsy Rose Lee was more charming on stage than the very appropriately named Natalie Wood. (I liked the film anyway. It was pretty good when Wood wasn't on screen.)

92. (1151.) Zabriskie Point (1970)
My view of late 1960s counter-culture was formed purely by episodes of Dragnet and The Monkees. This film sets out to prove that both of those models were completely accurate. The movie is as beautiful as it is vapid, as though made with a child's understanding of hippie reality and a college art student's pretentious self-indulgence. Re-reading my review, I find I've made it sound far more enjoyable than it actually is.

93. (1152.) When the Game Stands Tall (2014)
Biopic of Bob Ladouceur, who comes across as the Jesus of high school football coaches. There's more than a little luck in his story, but I certainly wish more coaches would emphasize doing the right thing over gridiron victories.

94. (1153.) Wonder Woman (2017)
As I quipped to Coop, the film is called Wonder Woman because Mediocre Woman wouldn't sell as many tickets. Gal Godot is amazing. Everything else is only ho-hum. The third act in particular is a real slog. Way to wear out your welcome, Wonder Woman.

95. (1154.) I Married a Witch (1942)
Fantastic movie with some pretty good special effects for its era. Lana Turner has a reputation as a hell raiser and rumor has it that her costar liked to call this movie "I Married a Bitch." Perhaps that's why she seems so right for her role as a devil woman tricked into mortal matrimony. Recommended.

More to come.

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I'm a night person, and I'm usually still working when Last Call with Carson Daly wraps up and NBC rolls over to Extra with Mario Lopez. For those of you unfamiliar, Extra is thirty minutes of light celebrity news akin to Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, Access Hollywood, TMZ, or anything that comes on E! or TLC. I rarely change channels because one, I can't feel too old if I know the names of whatever popstar tweens are listening to on Radio Disney these days, and two, there's not a whole lot on TV at 2AM. Besides, it's all harmless fluff. Usually.

In recent months, Extra has been devoting a lot of time to a fellow named Tyler Henry who has a show on E!. Perhaps you've heard of him, though I hope not. Certainly you've heard of other people like him. Jon Edward had a similar show for years on the Sci-Fi channel (back when it was called the Sci-Fi Channel). Teresa Caputo has a similar show on TLC. All of these people claim to be psychic.

Disclaimer: They're all liars.

Extra likes Henry because he specializes in "being psychic" to the stars. My problem with his increasingly frequent appearances on the show — other than thinking that he comes across as a huge douche nozzle — is that they treat him like what he does is a real thing. That's fake news!

Hey, Extra, he's not a psychic, he's an entertainer. "Reality television" should in no way be mistaken for real life. Suspending disbelief is what actors like doing, but that doesn't mean we have to promote every con artist who comes preying. I half expect to see you interviewing a Nigerian prince next week.

Mario, if you want to believe that Henry can talk to your dead grandmother and assure you that she forgives you for buying the cheap casket, I guess that's your prerogative. But encouraging the rubes to confuse "art" and "reality" is how this country ended up with a carnival barker in the White House. So ditch this Henry guy and get back to interviewing models about their love lives. Your grandmother's ghost and I will thank you.

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At long last, the 2016 NFL season is here!

Yesterday the Miami Dolphins opened the season with a loss to the Seattle Seahawks. (I'm typing this on Friday, but I feel pretty confident about what the outcome of the game will be.) The Dolphins can only get better from here, right? Not so fast.

FootballOutsiders.com predicts the Dolphins will win 6.3 games. FiveThirtyEight.com models call for 6.4 wins. ESPN (inheritor of the AdvancedFootballAnalytics.com prediction models) says 7. That might sound bad, but they're all based on the team's history. Over the last 10 years, the Dolphins have averaged 6.7 wins a season. Ouch.

Over the franchise's first 40 season, it averaged over 9 wins a season. How the once mighty have fallen. Is there any reason for optimism that the team will regain its former glory this year? Sure, why not. The team has a new, first time head coach and a healthy defensive line. That has to count for something, right? I mean, it's not like the team has the same mediocre quarterback and the same clueless owner and is still in the same division as the New England Patriots. Sigh.

(EDIT: On Sunday, the Dolphins did indeed lose to the Seahawks. The Dolphins' quarterback repeatedly failed to identify passing lanes, and the receivers repeatedly dropped the balls that did reach them as the team went on to score a paltry 10 points [the lone touchdown coming on a 2-yard quarterback keeper]. Every team in the AFC lost on opening day, every team except the New England Patriots, who now lead their division yet again. Take that, Nostradamus.)

Here's to the 2017 NFL season!

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Verizon Wireless has been advertising their NFL Mobile app with commercials highlighting the amazing transformation of dweebs into jock-sniffers simply by staring at their cellphones. Remember that scene from Clockwork Orange where they taped his eyes open and made him watch violent videos? Apparently that's good for you now.

There are 2 of these commercials, "Andy" and "Jane." Because, like both Andy and Jane, I watch waaaay too much football, I must have seen each of these a hundred times. Unlike Andy and Jane, my incessant consumption of NFL products has yet to lure NFL quarterbacks to my backyard barbecues. Although I can intelligently discuss endgame strategy, recognize Tampa 2 coverage, and explain referee hand signals, none of those abilities has in any way improved my social standing.

These uplifting vignettes of zeros to heroes remind me of those fundamentalists who are determined to metamorphose homosexuals into heterosexuals via vigorous psychological reconditioning. Originally a lonely misfit, Andy is schmoozing with hot women by the end of his commercial. Shut-in Jane transforms from lonely cat lady to someone who yells at people on the bus. It's conversion therapy, NFL style!

Funny, too, that these commercials run almost exclusively during football games. If the NFL's product was so transformative, wouldn't I already have supermodels running their fingers through my overly gelled hair? I'm beginning to suspect that it isn't the NFL that's helping these geeks so much as it is their nifty Verizon smartphones. Mankind had expected the Rise of the Machines to involve Teutonic cyborgs, but in 2012 the end of the world has been preceded by stormtroopers of talking address books.

Think I'm kidding? Both Andy and Jane start their commercials wearing eyeglasses, and after months of staring intently at 6-inch screens held at the end of their noses, neither needs glasses any longer! "Can you see me now?" says Verizon! I gotta admit, if Telephone Jesus can restore the vision that I lost in the 3rd grade, I'll sign-up for their longest-term contract on the spot!

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News has been making the rounds that the Gettysburg National Military Park decided to pull a John Wilkes Booth bobble-head doll off of the shelf "after a reporter began making inquiries about them." Damn mainstream media and its "gotcha" questions!

Now the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum gift shop has also stopped selling their John Wilkes Booth bobble-head doll, which leads directly to the question, "why was the Lincoln Museum selling dolls of his assassin?" That would be like the Pearl Harbor monument selling Japanese Zero models. What? It does? Oh, well, never mind, then.

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If you could travel through space and time at will, and you needed to dispose of something so no one could ever use it again, where would you put it?

Adventure Comics #290, November 1961

Never send boys and girls to do a Superboy's job! Not only does the Legion of Super-Heroes decide not to actually destroy the six dangerous containers, they choose to take them 500 years into the past, giving determined evildoers 500 extra years to find them! It doesn't take a Brainiac 5 to realize that's a bad idea.

For the record, lest you were worried, Superboy easily tracks down the containers and eventually destroys their contents -- components for a humanoid robot that can turn good things evil and evil things good -- with a quick blast of heat vision. And thus Superboy saves the future. Again.

This was hardly the only time that the Legion had a terrible solution to a pretty simple problem. But what can you expect from a bunch of teenagers raised in a future with role models like this guy:

Action Comics #287, April 1962

Sheesh.

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I know that most of you are sick and tired of hearing about UGA's terrible football season. But I'm not done talking about it because I just read this:

"The model that we would establish in the future would have seven home games every year. If you look at the models of other schools that have played for the (BCS) championship lately, there's always one tough nonconference game."

That's UGA band new Athletic Director Greg McGarity quoted in an article in this week's Athens Banner-Herald flat-out saying that Georgia will in the future be scheduling extra cupcake opponents at home to pad the team record and the Athletic Department's pocketbook. UGA currently schedules 6 home games, 5 away games, and 1 game at a "neutral" site. McGarity clearly intends to change this distribution, and not by dropping the "neutral" site.

The article is ostensibly about UGA dropping a pair of games against Oregon in the 2015-1016 seasons. I agree with McGarity's reasoning for dropping the series, scheduled by his lying, womanizing predecessor. He argues that the time-consuming cross-country travel is perhaps inappropriate for college athletics, even if he does come across as someone with a typically substandard UGA-caliber education:

"We think we're going a long way this week [to Boulder, Colorado], try Eugene, [Oregon]. That's even further."

I'm pleased to hear that McGarity passed geography, even if he did fail grammar. Sounds like it's not just the students who could use a little more time in the classroom, McGarity.

Yes, the UGA program is in trouble. The players can't put together 4 quarters of consistent play, partially in thanks to the coaches' inability to create a practical gameplan. [Bobo!] The team wilts from opposition and collapses under pressure. The "student-athletes" are incredibly spoiled and undisciplined -- the tenth UGA player this season was arrested earlier this week for an under-aged DUI! And the solution to this problem as proposed by our newest AD, ostensibly hired by UGA President Michael Adams for his strength of character, is "let's play more easy teams"?

In that case, I've got something to say, too: Fuck you.

If I wanted to cheer for a team who scheduled weak opponents for boringly lopsided cupcake home games as a flimsy excuse to sell tickets for an extra game that no one cares about, I'd pull for scum like Alabama or Florida. If your solution to our character problems is to sacrifice some smaller and financially poorer school in order to artificially inflate our players' and boosters' egos, I want no part of it.

There are still plenty of schools who aren't willing to sell their souls in order to scrounge up a few meaningless football wins. And if this foolish babble is indicative of UGA's new Athletic Director's direction, one of those schools will be the proud benefactor of this fan's fanaticism.

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