June is Superman Month at Wriphe.com!

"And what good timing it is this year, as June will see the relaunch of the DC Comics line. Again!"

That's how I've opened Superman month for the past two years. This year, however, the Superman reboot took place March. DC is speeding up the pace.

Less than a year after killing off the unpopular "New 52" Superman, DC brought him (and his Lois Lane) back and merged him with the old, previously reborn Superman in Action Comics #976 to make a new, third Superman. (Really, the fourth, if you want to count the original, pre-Bronze Age Superman as a separate character (which DC most definitely does)). This new new Superman has some of the memories and history of every previous Superman, which gives him a new power: super confusing.

(Note: They restored Action Comics numbering when they brought back the old Superman last year, but they didn't have the dignity to reset it to 1 again after they rebooted Superman for the third time in three years. Because marketing.)

Anyway, I don't know what happened after that. I stopped paying attention. I was still reading because DC had reverted to publishing "my" Superman again. But they took that away, and now I get to save some money for other things, like mandatory health insurance premiums. Hooray?

Getting old sucks.

But then, Superman already knows all about that.

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Hey! When did The Phantom become Mary Worth?

Somehow I missed the announcement of Paul Ryan's death back in March. Ryan had been the artist of the daily Phantom comic strip since 2005, and he was fantastic, a real throwback to the Alex Raymond school of action comics.

Ryan's last strip ran at the end of May. His replacement is Mike Manly, who happens to also be the current artist on Judge Parker, a strip so boring that non-disclosure agreement contracts make more interesting reading. Needless to say, the change in styles has not been seamless.

This is a good case illustrating how important an artist is to comic art. The strips' writer is still Tony Depaul, who's been on the job since 1999. So the characters haven't changed, just their appearance. Is it enough to make me stop reading The Phantom? Probably not. But it's enough to make me miss how good it used to be.

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June is Superman Month at Wriphe.com!

And what good timing it is this year, as June will see the relaunch of the DC Comics line. Again!

See, in the just completed Convergence, the DC Multiverse destroyed 30 years ago in Crisis on Infinite Earths was restored off-panel at the story's climax with the help of Superman's foe Brainiac. If that sentence sounded like gibberish to you, congratulations. Only DC Comics doesn't seem to recognize that.

So this is the new Superman? In the All-New, All-Different DC Universe of 2015, Superman now dresses like I do! (Minus the blood. Plus about 200 pounds of muscle.)

I know I bitch a lot about a lot of things, but I really want my super heroes to dress the part. It doesn't necessarily have to be spandex (although I do like my skin-tight costumes), but that is not a costume. It's an endcap at Hot Topic.

Oh well. I haven't bought a Superman comic since the New 52 reboot. No reason to start now. There are plenty of other places to get my Superman fix where he doesn't look like a total tool. All I ask is for some bright inspiring colors, like you see in movies.

Really? Who knew that Kryptonians had the muted color vision of dogs? Well, uh, I'm sure I can find Superman in costume in video games, where Superman can demonstrate his impossible powers unfettered by wires and expensive visual effects.

What the hell is this? Iron Man? Since when did Superman need armored abs, damn it!

Fine. America, you can keep your Roid Rage Superman. If you need me, I'll be reading my 1989 copies of Action Comics Weekly in the basement. At least that Superman had the good sense to wear his underwear on the outside.

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In one panel of one of the several stories in last week's anniversary edition of Action Comics #900 (!), Superman announced his plan to renounce his American citizenship in order to truly be a hero for the world. Superman spoketh, and thusly the internet exploded:

Google Images search result for "superman citizenship" on May 1, 2011.

In the story, Superman explains that his American citizenship has become a liability as it gives rogue nations an excuse to blame the citizens of America for Superman's actions against their tyranny. Superman expresses the belief that surrendering his U.S. citizenship will make his work to save us from ourselves easier. This was deemed newsworthy by many, many news organizations that you would really think had better things to do.

A case could perhaps be made against publisher DC Comics' agenda for Superman's citizenship status -- the controversy has already resulted in reports of media-frenzied sales increases, and rumor has it that this story written by David Goyer is laying groundwork not for future comic book stories, but the planned Man of Steel movie written by David Goyer -- but most people seemed to focus their ire at Superman himself. The argument mainly boiled down to "you're either with us or you're against us." There might be some truth to that, but if I have to pick a side, I pick Superman's.

Personally, I don't see how surrendering his American citizenship is supposed to aid Superman against Iran or Libya or whatever other country hates the United States this afternoon. It's a pretty good chance that they are going to hate Superman whether or not he says he stands for the American Way, because those countries also hate truth and justice.

Even if Superman is being naive, I don't think that makes him the bad guy here. For one thing, what difference does it make if Superman even has American citizenship? What right do we Americans have to be jealous girlfriends and scream, "keep your hands off off our man, you bitch," to the rest of the world?

Superman was born on a distant planet and is the definition of "illegal alien." He has no income and pays no taxes. Superman doesn't vote or sit for jury duty. Are we planning on telling Superman that he's not allowed to enter our borders to help us against tornadoes, forest fires, or super-villains because he's not a U.S. citizen? Wouldn't that make us the same as the tyrants that Superman is trying to fight?

Besides, while Superman is publicly expatriating, Clark Kent is not. Some will call that hypocritical, but remember that Superman isn't surrendering citizenship because he has a problem with America. This is a political, public relations ploy by a non-existent alter-ego, not a comment on American politics (which Superman is above, figuratively and literally). Mild-mannered Clark Kent will remain as American as apple pie. That's good enough for me.

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If you could travel through space and time at will, and you needed to dispose of something so no one could ever use it again, where would you put it?

Adventure Comics #290, November 1961

Never send boys and girls to do a Superboy's job! Not only does the Legion of Super-Heroes decide not to actually destroy the six dangerous containers, they choose to take them 500 years into the past, giving determined evildoers 500 extra years to find them! It doesn't take a Brainiac 5 to realize that's a bad idea.

For the record, lest you were worried, Superboy easily tracks down the containers and eventually destroys their contents -- components for a humanoid robot that can turn good things evil and evil things good -- with a quick blast of heat vision. And thus Superboy saves the future. Again.

This was hardly the only time that the Legion had a terrible solution to a pretty simple problem. But what can you expect from a bunch of teenagers raised in a future with role models like this guy:

Action Comics #287, April 1962

Sheesh.

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Yesterday, Newsarama.com ran an article titled 10 Things You Might Not Know About Superman. Newsarama.com is a website that is almost exclusively devoted to comic books. So who the hell is reading Newsarama that doesn't know that Superman is a super-ventriloquist capable of changing his voice to aid his disguise as Clark Kent?

I'm not saying that I'm surprised that there are people out there who are unaware of the complete set of Superman's god-like powers. (His hair is super absorbent! He doesn't need to breathe for years at a time! He can never die!) I'm just saying that those people don't read comic book websites.

No one who visits the HuffingtonPost.com is unaware that Barrack Obama is the second coming of Stalin. And no one wanders into PerezHilton.com without first knowing that Lady Gaga is secretly a man. I'd expect that sort of journalism from, say, USAtoday, which makes no pretense about pandering only to people attracted to bright colors and a 3rd grade vocabulary.

If you are desperate to enlighten the nerdy masses about Superman, Newsarama, may I suggest devoting an entire month to the Man of Steel? Sure it reduces your readership drastically, but does anyone really want any readers who don't adore Superman?

No. No they don't.

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Surely, you've seen this before. Action Comics #1 is the godfather of the modern American super hero comic book. Though not the first comic to feature all-new content, characters, or action, it is the first appearance of a super powered hero (Superman, of course). A lot has been written about this issue and its significance to the American psyche. However, one thing bugs me about most critical analysis: the make of the car.

Most simply reference the object of Superman's wrath a "car" or "sedan." Come now, we can do better than that, can't we? How can we, Americans, with our insatiable lust for the automobile and the goods and evils that accompany it, continue to ignore this perfect marriage between super heroic violence and the American Dream-mobile?

Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster created Superman sometime in 1933. Although Action Comics #1 was published in 1938, the contents were largely stitched together from panels of unsold newspaper strips. While this means that the automobile pictured inside could be any model sedan marketed prior to 1939, it is most probable that the car depicted was a model year between 1933 and 1938, as artist Shuster likely cribbed the image from a magazine advertisement or photograph in the typical style of the deadline-driven graphic artist. (To paraphrase the immortal words of artist Wally Wood, "never draw what you can copy.")

The car is clearly a mid-1930s four-door touring sedan. They sold spectacularly well, even during the Depression. Every manufacturer made at least one. So which one is it?

First of all, this car is not a Studebaker. Author Chris Knowles and Illustrator Mark Engblom both make such claims in some otherwise insightful online commentary. However, there's one glaring error with those claims: the car doesn't look much like a Studebaker. The 1934-35 Studebaker Land Cruiser (whose body styling was introduced to the public at the 1933 Chicago World's Fair via a spectacular 28-feet tall scale model) doesn't have suicide doors. By 1936, Studebaker's touring sedans had split-windshields, as became the popular choice of most manufacturers within a year.

So if it's not a Studebaker, what can we see about this car that may tell us which one it was specifically? Three things are worth noting: the single-pane windshield with its curved bottom edges; the angled, horizontally-ribbed grill; and the curve of the detailing above the rear fender.

Like Studebaker, Oldsmobile was using split windshields by 1936. Chevrolet's sedans were very square with straight line detailing. Ford marketed Fordor Model 48 sedans in 1935 and 1936, though again, their body detailing doesn't match the car shown. Not surprisingly, most of the manufacturers making touring sedans (Buick, Ford, Hudson, LaSalle, Packard, Pontiac) fail to meet at least one of the criteria established. Yet the 1937 Chrysler sedans appear to be good matches.

Chrysler Airflow 1934 promotional video

Chrysler produced nearly identical touring sedans with the Chrysler, Dodge, DeSoto, and Plymouth nameplates. These models have minor superficial differences, though their general features are all a great match to Superman's sedan. The car in the pages of Action Comics #1 appears to have different front grills in different panels. It is possible that Shuster used different cars for different panels, depending on which angle he was drawing. Maybe he even had a brochure featuring many of Chryslers sedans. (Chrysler was not shy about the cross promotion.) However, after comparison, the 1937 DeSoto touring sedan is perhaps the best match for the grill depicted on the car in Superman's hands on the cover.

It's worth noting that the DeSoto sedan differs from the 1937 Dodge D5 sedan only slightly in the grill and via the bonnet side-vent panels. Hastily-drawn line-art of the two would be practically indistinguishable. Since Dodge was already advertising "toughness" in 1938 (and had already adopted its now-familiar ram hood ornament), it's quite possible that the car Superman is destroying is intended to be a Dodge. What better way to demonstrate the power of a Man of Steel than to have him destroy something Ram Tough?

So now you know. In any event, Superman hates Chrysler. And when Superman hates you, you don't stay in business.

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The Preakness Stakes is tomorrow, and Kentucky Derby champion Mine That Bird is currently the betting favorite to win at 11-2 odds, considerably better than the 50-1 odds that he beat to win the Derby. Don't get me wrong, I'm not endorsing gambling on the ponies. I don't even generally care for horse racing outside of the Triple Crown events. It's a sport for rich people, and I'm more of a... poor person. The closest I've ever come to owning a horse is possessing a copy of Who's Who in the DC Universe featuring the Legion of Super-Pets, which naturally includes Comet the Super-Horse.

(I really love the depictions for breaking the time barrier in Silver Age Superman comics. Time, ladies and gentlemen, is a rainbow.)

However, I don't think Comet should be allowed to race in any horse-race, but not because of his super-speed. No, see, Comet is really a Grecian centaur accidentally transformed into a horse, granted superpowers as a consolation for the mistake, banished to a comet for millennia by his enemies, and freed from said imprisonment by the happenstance passage of a rocket ship that contained a young Supergirl fleeing the destruction of Krypton. It all makes sense if you think about it. Comet isn't a horse, but a man trapped in a horse's body. You wouldn't let a man enter a horse race, would you?

Of course this begs the question that if Comet had a highly developed brain, was sentient, and capable of telepathic communication, why in the world would he join a group called the Legion of Super-Pets in the first place? Just because he let Supergirl ride on his back, he qualified as a pet? (Superman's Pet, Lois Lane probably isn't going to appear on newsracks anytime soon.) What male wouldn't let Supergirl ride on his back?

Fast fact: in "The Secret Identity of Super-Horse," Action Comics #301, Comet was granted the form of a bipedal human -- his fondest wish -- and began a romance with Supergirl. Turnabout is fair play, it would seem. Maybe I've just got a salacious mind, but that sounds like a comic I've got to get my hands on. I suppose a "Super-Pet" must be a little different than a traditional pet. Maybe it's the equivalent of a pet with benefits.

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"Some other time"? You do know what day it is today, don't you, Superman? A whole lot of pilgrims died to give Lois the right to say "thank you" today. But maybe I judge too hastily. Maybe you've got some other pressing business to get to, hmm?

Not so coincidentally, both images above are from the same year: 1940. Superman debuted in Action Comics in spring 1938, and by Thanksgiving 1939, he was floating above New York in the annual Macy's parade. Up, up, and away, indeed. (If your'e in the mood, find more historical Superman balloon pictures here and here.)

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While I'm about the last person that you would expect to hear spouting theology or philosophy (I'm too damned secularly cynical to spend much time with intangibles such as hypothetical situations or metaphysical postulations), but sometimes things happen which make even me wonder "why?" In this particular case, that thing was the discovery of this cover:

But it's not quite the "why" you think it is. I understand the obvious "why." This is Action Comics #456, cover dated February 1976, so it was released around December 1975. It just so happens that the biggest grossing movie of 1975 was, as you can probably guess, Jaws. No big surprise there. Superman never misses a chance to get in on the action. He's dealt with all of the great political and social events of the 20th century, from nuclear proliferation to illegal aliens (from space, 'natch) to women's liberation to the Olympics (of space, 'natch). Why just a few short years after this issue, Superman will enter the ring with World Heavyweight Boxing Champion Muhammad Ali (in space, 'natch).

Now the odd part of this all, and what makes me wonder "why," is that I decided that I liked that Action cover so much, I was going to use it in today's blog post. And then a brief research turned up the fact that Jaws was originally released on June 20, 1975, exactly 33 years ago today. Great Caesar's Ghost!

Now, was this a happy cosmic coincidence? Did I know, perhaps subconsciously, that Jaws was released on June 20 before I started prepping this blog entry? In any event, I'm sure I'll never know because I'm not going to investigate. No one has ever said, "I'll solve the fundamental workings of the entire universe, and then I'll understand aliens, ghosts, and Celene Dion," without rounding the bend. It's the investigation of situations like these that lead to mad scientists and super villains, I tell you.

Oh, and don't worry about Superman. He's been effortlessly beating up sharks since 1939. His boat is already plenty big enough, so to speak.

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