At my mother's request, I built a relatively simple countdown timer in a web-embedded Flash application last week. Unable to leave well enough alone, I kept building and building until I arrived at a cookie-based app that I am making freely available to you, my adoring blog readers. Consider it my Christmas present to you.

The countdown is based on a cookie that you will set by running the page. The edit function re-writes the cookie. So what you set the counter for will be stored in your browser only. In addition to keeping your privacy, this means that you can use two different browsers to set two different counters simultaneously! And yes, there is a mute button, if the sound of the seconds of your life ticking away gets on your nerves.

You can find the app at www.wriphe.com/timer/. Bookmark it.

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The world's first "sex robot" was unveiled this weekend in -- where else? -- Las Vegas. Its name is Roxxxy. Roxxxy is a complex electronic toy embedded in the body a Real Doll, which essentially makes it a very expensive Teddy Ruxpin that you can fuck. Before dismissing this as a lone pervert's dream come true, realize that this brings us one step closer to Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner, which would be considered many normal men's dream come true. So here in 2010 we may be no closer to flying cars then we were in 1960, but at least we've got sex robots.

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UPDATE 01/12/09: You should see a fortune cookie above this text. If you don't see it, you don't have Flash plugged into your browser. If you do see it, you can click on that cookie repeatedly for fortunes. I really wish I didn't have to include this bit of explanation, but when your Mom tells you that she doesn't understand why you would post a picture of an unopened fortune cookie, it's time for drastic measures.

UPDATE 02/21/23: No, no. Flash is now long, long dead. So no fortune cookie for you.

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The 2009 W.A.T.C.H. list of dangerous toys is out. This year amid such life-threatening fare as Lots to Love Babies and Curious Baby Curious George Counting - My First Book of Numbers lurks none other than the Wolverine! World Against Toys Causing Harm warns that X-Men Origins Slashin' Action Wolverine presents the "POTENTIAL FOR EYE AND AND OTHER IMPACT INJURIES!" (Their capitalization, not mine. My Caps Lock key works just fine, thank you.) Well, duh. After all, Wolverine is the best there is at what he does, and what he does is not cuddling. He is genetically designed always to be running with scissors, for Pete's Sake, hardly a proper role model for little Jack and Jill. The figure's packaging brags that Wolverine is an "indestructible combat machine," which sounds about right (and, despite W.A.T.C.H.'s criticism that the toy packaging contains no caution label, qualifies as all the warning any eye impact injury-free parent should need). Giving Wolverine to a toddler is equivalent to giving him a plugged in toaster filled with forks. I don't see that on your list, W.A.T.C.H.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'd like to buy that Spy-Gear Viper-Blaster that W.A.T.C.H. discourages. Because a gun that shoots snakes sounds like something Santa will be giving Toys For Tots this year.

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G.I.Joe's latest relaunch, G.I.Joe: Resolute, aired on Cartoon Network this weekend, and it suffers from all of the same problems as modern comics, I'm sorry to say. (No surprise: it was written by Warren Ellis, once of the writers most responsible for the modern bloodlust of mainstream comics.)

What's new about this G.I.Joe? Not much. Despite a clear and present danger to the governments of the world by terrorist organization Cobra, only the G.I.Joe team does anything about it. It remains unexplained how Cobra thinks they can take control of the world when none of their soldiers can hit the broad side of a barn with a gun. The Joes stay in "uniform" at all times, even if that means that Beachhead wears his balaclava inside an aircraft carrier. No Joe performs the mission for which s/he is most qualified: (Scarlet, not Ripcord, performs a HALO jumps into enemy territory, and Tunnel Rat, not Payload, goes into space to jury-rig a satellite). And Duke is still a quitter and all-around douche.

What's different? Other than the anime-influced style: death. Exactly 10,362,756 die in the first 5 minutes. (How's that for a specific number, eh? That includes the onscreen death count when Moscow is vaporized by an ultra high-tech Cobra particle cannon.) Eighteen deaths later, we see the supposedly heroic Roadblock laugh maniacally as he guns down 7 Cobra guards from behind. And Duke, shortly after ordering his own subordinates to abandon him to die, decides that the solution to the episode's conflict is the assassination of Cobra Commander. (Take note, Duke; if you kill your principal antagonist, it's harder to sell accessory packs for all the environments that you didn't show in the episode.)

No matter how you slice it, that's a lot of animated death for television designed to sell toys. "The new G.I.Joe, now with more armageddon!"

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Ah, Christmas, a time of year to put aside my daily troubles, spend time with family and friends, and beg for phat loot from Santa.

I was always kind of pissed that Santa never gave me a 7-1/2 feet long G.I.Joe U.S.S. Flagg Aircraft Carrier, but maybe he was doing me a favor. I'm not sure that I've ever been "ready for action" with a navy's worth of sailors. (Look, kid, you better be careful what you Wishbook for.)

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I just played the most recent version of Milton Bradley's Life board game, and I was a little disappointed about how, despite it's recent "updating," it was still so unaligned with anything resembling my life. So I present the Game of Wriphe (your mileage may vary):

No, there are no Payday spaces. I don't even know what that word means anymore.

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Bad news for the latest season of the new American Gladiators series: terrible ratings. While this could be due to a myriad of tangled reasons, something has to be done soon to salvage the show or NBC may pull it from the lineup. My solution? Mt. T.

Mr. T turns 56 today, and a trip to the American Gladiators set would do us all some good, I think. We'll prove to the world that T can still be physical in his old age. We'll reunite T with his one-time WrestleMania partner, Hulk Hogan, restoring both to the spotlight they deserve. And we'll reclaim Monday nights for MMA combatants and steroid users everywhere!

But why stop there? Once we've got T in our pocket, so-to-speak, we can tweak the show to take full advantage of T's talents. Combine montages of engineering, gymnastics, and detective work with extraneous explosions. Top it all off with empty threats and inspirational rapping. It's a formula that's historically proven, I tell you. "Not TV. Mr. TV."

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Not too long ago, I stayed awake until practically daybreak running calculations on the statistics of Risk dice rolls. And because I'm such a great person, I'll share what I learned with you: Always roll as many dice as you can.

Rolling 3 attack dice versus 2 defense dice, the most dice that can be rolled in one attack, the defender will win at least one of the attacker's pieces nearly 73% of the time. (The defender will win both rolls almost 37% of the time to the attacker's 27%.)

In fact, the defender will win at least 1 piece at least 42% of the time, no matter how dice are rolled. The defender will win all of the pieces outright at least 32% of the time. That's almost a full 10% over the attacker in both cases.

If the attacker is worried about attacking and losing any pieces, his opponent must be able to defend with only one die. The attacker has at best a 27% chance of total victory if his opponent is defending with two dice, no matter how many dice the attacker employs. (If the attacker rolls 2 or more dice against his opponent's single die, he'll still win less than 58% of the time.)

So I'd recommend putting at least 2 armies on every territory you control, then play a game of slow and steady expansion, relying on defense rolls and card redemption.

Now, don't you feel smarter? I just feel tired.

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I just watched the new Knight Rider television show on NBC. Finally, someone got a remake of a previous show right. What made the original Knight Rider so popular? Cool talking car, straightforward crime drama, kickass intro theme, and David Hassellhoff. The producers of this show got all of those elements just right. ("Will I see you again?" "I hope so." Me too, Hoff!)

Of course, the Executive Producer of this show is Glen Larson, who just so also happened to be the producer of the original, and I suspect that had something to do with it. Pay homage to the original series (or in this case, act as though you're the rightful heir of said series) and you'll have an automatic audience of crusty, die-hard old-timers like me chomping at the bit for your product. Glad to see that NBC didn't make the same mistake here as they did with the rightfully-canceled-after-one-season Bionic Woman remake.

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