In hindsight, the biggest problem of my frequent blog posts complaining about the misguided preponderance of the poop emoji in unnecessary consumer goods is the undesired side effect of friends and family thinking that I actually want to encounter more of it.

For example, this is an actual gift that I received this past Christmas:

I will protect the anonymity of which of my mother's sisters thought this would be fun for Walter, but I will tell you that it's the same one who gave me a dancing penis pickle.

For the record, please do not buy things for me with the poop emoji on them. In fact, don't buy anything for me unless I explicitly ask you to. There's too damn much crap in this world already.

Also for the record, what inspired today's post (in addition to a desire to clean out my pictures folder) was the discovery of a poop emoji mousepad at Big Lots. Who needs that? Seriously. Who uses mousepads anymore?

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: christmas family holidays kelley piles of shit walter

My neighbors already have a Christmas Tree in their window, and I want to smash it. The window, that is. The tree should be set on fire.

A wise man once said, "I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel." Hear, hear, Charlie Brown. I like peace on Earth. I like the idea of good will toward men. I even like candy canes, gingerbread houses, and getting gifts. So why don't I like Christmas?

I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that Christmas is a disruption of my regular schedule. That's not fun for me. And maybe I don't like seeing other people enjoy themselves. Keep your happiness in Whoville, you jerks!

But I think what I hate most is how commercialized the holiday is. The mindlessly rapacious American consumer is encouraged — nay, expected! — to buy a whole bunch of tchotchkes and gewgaws they don't want or need, crap like this:

We're tearing down forests and melting the icecaps so that someone can grow some faux hair on piles of poo? Bah, humbug.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: charlie brown christmas david hasselhoff holidays piles of shit rant walter

Tired of the Olympics? How about a game everyone can play!

I took that picture at my local Ollie's Bargain Outlet. I assumed from the lackluster box design (and terrified poop emoji) that it must be crappy, but the game currently has a 4.8 out of 5 star rating on Amazon.com. Sadly, that's not good enough to be "Amazon's Choice" — that honor goes to Poo: The Card Game.

If you're the sort who needs to see it in action before you decide to buy, there's a promotional video of Plunge It! gameplay on YouTube. Let's just say it is an appropriately titled game.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: games piles of shit youtube

For when you care enough to send the very worst:

Nothing says "Friendship" like a smiling pile of poo.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: piles of shit

Stuffed animals often become a comforting, reassuring presence for their owners, and 2020 was a terrible year. Put those two things together, and you might have predicted a stuffed animal boom in 2021. But did you realize what form they'd take?

If you said teddy bears or puppy dogs, you haven't been paying attention to pop culture lately.

That last one there is a tie-in with the unmemorable Emoji Movie, which reminds me that back in the day my brother had a stuffed, vinyl E.T. doll that I found particularly unattractive. I owe you an apology, 1982 E.T.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: dear diary movies piles of shit toys trumps america

Since everybody is looking for some way to kill time while hunkered down in their safety caves, the UK tabloid The Sun came up with this rebus of dog breeds using emojis. Take particular notice of number 7.

💩 (🍜-N)

---

"poo"("noodle"-"n")

---

"poooodle"

I may have spent too much time alone. I'm beginning to think the entire Internet is sending coded messages just to me.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: covid19 dogs games internet piles of shit poodles trumps america

A birthday card for friend Brian, whose birthday was yesterday.

It's you who is the shit, Brian.

Comments (2) | Leave a Comment | Tags: birthday brian friends holidays piles of shit trumps america

If Friday's post let you feeling a little dirty, I also got you some soap!

Spotted on Twitter.com, where someone posted a response image of shit-shaped car air fresheners.

(Seriously, the frequent association between the poo emoji and chocolate just because both of them are brown probably says everything you need to know about the modern American consumer.)

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: internet piles of shit trumps america

Happy Valentine's Day! I got you some candy.

Love, American style.

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: holidays internet piles of shit trumps america valentines day

Still looking for that last minute stocking stuffer? How about some poo!

This is a vinyl "statue" designed to give to children 3 and up to color in with the provided markers (blue, red, and, yes, brown).

Merry Christmas, kids!

Comments (0) | Leave a Comment | Tags: internet piles of shit trumps america