Ugh, what a year 2020 was. So much discord, so much fear, hate, and loss. I suspect that only through the prism of history will we ever make sense of what humanity has experienced these past dozen months.

Listening to the past for advice on the best way to cope and move forward, I've learned these four tips:

Move yourself. You always live your life, never thinking of the future.

Prove yourself. You are the move you make. Take your chances, win or loser.

See yourself. You are the steps you take. You and you, and that's the only way.

Shake! Shake yourself. You're every move you make, so the story goes.

Yes, what good advice for living a full life. Just receive it.

The past year separated us physically, but it could not break our spirits. Remember that the owner of a lonely heart will always be better than the owner of a broken heart.

Here's hoping that in 2021, there's no real reason to be lonely.

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Is this a little late for April Fools Day? Yes, it is. But I just got my power back after an unexpected storm caused considerable problems for my neighborhood on Tuesday. (Out like a lamb my ass.)

Anyway, a little holiday appropriate fooling around with Weird Al.

And a YouTube link, in case you don't see the embed above.

Hmm. I have his version of Peter and the Wolf around here somewhere. Oh, there it is.

Al and I go way back. I first heard In 3-D — still my favorite Al-bum — while at summer day camp at Stone Mountain Park. (Which may be why "Nature Trail To Hell" remains one of my favorite tracks.) My brother gave me "Weird Al" Yankovic, his debut album, as a present in 1985. (I suspect that Mom and/or Dad actually bought it, probably at the Turtle's on Memorial Drive.) Polka Party came to me as a 11th birthday present at Six Flags Over Georgia. (It is the only thing I remember about that party, and possibly the only good experience I associate with that park.) And I spent weekends in 1989 recording lip-syncing videos to the UHF soundtrack. (I've written about my love for UHF before.)

My brother worked for a Hollywood agent for a few years after college in the 20-aughts, and the only celebrity that he met that made me star struck about was Weird Al. Trey bumped into in line at the post office. Trey had very nice things to say about both David Duchovny and Allison Janney, but that Weird Al goes to the post office himself makes him a bigger star in my book.

Keep on being weird, Al.

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Worldwide plague? Economy in the toilet? Incompetent government infighting? Whatever, Bruce.

(Yes, I know it's not "Bruce." Don't bring me down!)

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Enough politics. It's time to dance!

Those of you who know what this is know why it's here.

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I'm starting to suspect that the Internet isn't the good thing I thought it was when I first met it in the early 90s. What happened to the promise of having humanity's aggregate knowledge available for everyone to use to build a better life? Society should be getting smarter, not dumber. And yet it seems all the web is used for anymore is to drive wedges between us. That's not right, is it?

When I have doubts like this, I turn to the wisdom of the ancients. This is what I hear when I listen:

I can't fight this feeling any longer,
and yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.
What started out as friendship has grown stronger;
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.
I said there is no reason for my fear
'cause I feel so secure when we're together.
You give my life direction; you make everything so clear.

And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night,
and I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.
I've forgotten what I started fighting for.
It's time to bring this ship in to the shore,
and throw away the oars, forever.

That may sound like a mixed metaphor, but that's how the great prophets always communicate. (If they just came out and *said* what they meant, we wouldn't ever learn anything, would we?) Clearly it means we're all in one boat and should be working to sail in the same direction, people.

If necessary, let us disagree on the method by which we can best reach the future but not the fact that we all want that better future for ourselves and our neighbors. Together, we can overcome the deluge of misinformation flowing down the information superhighway as we drive our speedwagon to the future! Onward and upward in 2020!

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The Shadow knows what I sing in the shower. It's this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXpWfd1BNkQ

Wind? Strobe lights? Hammerpants? Oh, early 1990s, where have you gone?

Seriously though, this is always the song I think of when I see Talyor Dayne's name come up, which isn't often enough. Tell it to my heart, indeed.

And while I'm on the subject, with apologies to The Hunt for Red October, I still consider The Shadow to be the best Alec Baldwin movie. (I like Royal Tenenbaums more, much more — it may well be my favorite movie ever — but Baldwin's only the narrator, so it doesn't really count. For similar reasons, the best Sam Elliot movie is Road House, not The Big Lebowski.)

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A Michael Jackson timeline:

1958: born
1970: releases "ABC"
1979: releases "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough"
1982: releases "Thriller"
1985: releases "We Are the World"
1987: releases "Smooth Criminal"
1991: releases "Black or White"
1993: accused of child molestation (settles out of court)
1995: releases "Scream"
2003: accused of child molestation (found not guilty)
2009: dies
2010: releases "This Is It"
2019: accused of child molestation

Accused of child molestation in three different decades? Do the Grammys offer a lifetime achievement award for that?

Can you love an artist's music if the artist was a bad person? Or do you have to believe that the person wasn't so bad because you liked his music? All I can say is that Gary Glitter's music must suck.

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I heard on the radio that pessimism is a waste of time. Maybe the invisible person in my car is right. To that end, I'm starting 2019 with a new daily affirmation:

I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around,
and I know, baby, just how you feel.
You got to roll with the punches and get to what's real.

Can't you see me standin' here?
I got my back against the record machine.
I ain't the worst that you've seen.
Can't you see what I mean?

Might as well jump.

Ooh, yeah. I should go ahead and jump. We all should.

May your 2019 be as delightful as my 1984 was.

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During a commercial break in the evening news, Mom says, "I keep getting this jingle stuck in my head." She was talking about the ad for Ozempic, which sounds more than a little like this:

I wasn't alive in 1974, but Mom was, and she says she's never heard of Pilot or their single, "Magic." Obviously, there's only one explanation for this: all documented instances of Pilot are part of an elaborate counter-intelligence campaign created by Communist trolls for the purpose of destabilizing our American capitalist corporatocracy by fooling rubes like me into believing that some kind of popular culture preexisted the marketing needs of greedy pharmaceutical conglomerates. Those bastards!

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my federally mandated once-weekly semaglutide injection.

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