Like most people not expecting a tax refund, I just finished my income tax filing. This year I had to pay taxes. Not because I made a lot of money, mind you. My gross income was well below the national poverty line. Granted, "poverty" in the United States is a pretty relative term when compared to incomes around the world. So while I may not be "poor" in the Slumdog Millionaire sense of the word, I'm not going to be helping the U.S. out of a recession any time in the near future, either.

The national poverty line of the United States is defined as the annual income required for the average American to sustain his own basic needs. In 2008, this has been estimated at about $11,200. (Yet more proof that I am not average.) Comparing this number to the median income of American citizens, about $27,000 according to the World Salaries Group, you can see where I fit in. My income is closer to that of the average citizen of Russia. (Who won the Cold War? Not me.)

Our friendly U.S. Government graciously allows a single citizen who earns a "gross income" of less than $8,950 to bypass filing taxes. (Presumably, this is the threshold where the income tax rate overcomes government subsidy. You can't get blood -- or taxes -- from a stone.) Sadly, I qualify.

"Not so fast," cries my Uncle Sam. Because in 2008 I tried to earn income as a self-employed graphic/website designer, I am required to file taxes so that I can pay the government the "self-employment" tax used to sustain my Social Security and Medicaid benefits. Nuts!

If in 2008 I had worked exclusively for an employer other than myself earning the same amount, my meager income would have been taxed nothing (thanks to the Standard Deduction). The IRS would have refunded whatever my employer had withheld on my behalf, and thanks to the Earned Income Credit established in the 1975 (the year of my birth -- someone must have known I was coming!), the government would have paid me money to help offset my relative poverty. But alas, that is an alternative history. Instead, I made more than $400 for myself on my own terms, and now I'm paying for it. Literally.

Well, I've learned my lesson. Working for myself has cost me money. From now on, I'll only do toadie work for someone else or do no work at all. So employers, if you're interested in hiring a talented fool who will work for peanuts -- and I mean actual peanuts: I'm hungry, and I just gave my last dollars to the government -- I'm your lackey.

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It appears that the United States government will soon pass a bill worth $790 billion to stimulate the economy. That's a lot of money. A whole lot of money. Especially when you take into account that as recently as 4 months ago, our government passed a bailout bill giving away an additional $700 billion which has proven to be a political and economic nightmare. (Don't worry. I'm sure they got it right this time. >derisive snort<)

Taken together, $1.5 trillion is more than the GDP of all but the 13 wealthiest countries in the world. That means that in the span of half the year, the United States government has given away more money than 94% of the world is capable of producing in a single year of sustained industry. That's more than the combined 2007 revenue of the top 6 Forbes 500 companies. (Or, rather amusingly, approximately the estimated value of Forbes' largest fictional company on record, CHOAM, a galaxy-wide mega-corporation that controlled the spice in Dune.) That's $250 for every person on the planet!

It takes Coca-Cola 100 days to serve 1.5 trillion servings globally. It would take a forest of 56 billion oak trees to produce 1.5 trillion leaves. There are only 100 billion stars in our galaxy.

These numbers are so large that they defy comprehension; there are simply no comparable values that people can relate to. I'm no economist, but that sounds fucking crazy.

I could go on, but I suspect that the only people less qualified than me to talk about money management are currently my "representatives" in the United States Congress.

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New York Governor David Paterson has proposed an 18% "obesity tax" on soft drink sales in New York state. The American Beverage Association objects ('natch), claiming that this tax will put the squeeze on the middle class. ("In an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on hardworking families." -ameribev.org )

Let's say I consume a single 2-liter Coca-Cola every 2 days. That's 180 2-liters per year. (Don't judge me.) At $1.50 per 2-liter, that's $270 I spend on Coke per year. I already pay 7% sales tax for Coke, meaning that $270 of Coke costs me $288.90. If I were forced to pay an additional 18% tax on top of that, those 180 Cokes cost $337.50, a nearly $50 increase over the course of a year. (That's a lot more than I spend on comic books these days.)

Even in these hardscrabble times, that's not really a lot of money. And I drink a LOT of Coke. (Don't judge me.) How many families in New York consume as much soft drink per person as I do? Turns out that according to the National Soft Drink Association, the national average is somewhere near 105 2-liters per American per year. For the average New Yorker (at, say 1700 Broadway in Manhattan, the home of DC Comics) paying a sales tax of 8.375% on that same $1.50 Coke, they'll be paying $199.04 instead of $170.69, an annual difference of about $30.

Needless to say, ABA, I don't think this will break the back of New Yorkers. And the number is so low, that it is unlikely to really discourage that many obese middle class buyers. (Though I do think of my dad, who won't buy any 2-liter soft drink at a cost greater than $1.00, because "the price was never that high when I was a kid!")

But don't take this article as me supporting the government involving itself in my buying habits on the grounds that it knows better than I do what's good for me. I'm the guy that opposes seat belt laws, remember? If I want to get too fat from sipping sugary beverages to be thrown to my death from my car in an accident, I think that's my right!. And I'll let the ABA use that argument if they think it will help them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go to work saving my life by pouring another Coke.

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Paraphrased from the Georgia Secretary of State website:

Q: How do I cast a write-in vote?

A: Just as with older systems, the new electronic voting units allow voters to cast votes for write in candidates. Voters should note, however, that, under Georgia law, write in votes are only counted and compiled for those candidates who have filed an official notice of their write in candidacy. 

Up until a little over a half-century ago, it was considered bad form to campaign for yourself as a political candidate, especially for the Presidency. Funny how times change; even "write-in" candidates have to declare that they want to be candidates now.

If you're not voting Democrat, Republican, or Libertarian, your options are pretty limited. The complete list of approved write-in candidates in Georgia includes Constitution Party candidate Chuck Baldwin, former Constitution Party candidate-who-is-not-seeking-office-but-is-on-the-ballot-anyway Michael A. Peroutka, Socialist Workers candidate James Harris, Green Party candidate (and ex-Representative bitch) Cynthia McKinney, former Green Party candidate and former consumer activist-turned-perrenial also-ran independent candidate Ralph Nader, Independent "People's President" Jonathan Allen, performance artist Frank Moore, and two other guys who just wanted to be on the ballot (Brian Russell Brown and David C. Byrne). But no superheroes.

See, all nine of those people I just listed above have notified the Secretary of State in writing that they wanted to be a write-in candidate and published their intention in their local newspaper. Not really so hard, is it? However, it's certainly more than any superhero can be expected to do between catching purse-snatchers and exposing crooked cops.

Sure, despite the fact that Superman is technically ineligible for the office (he was born on foreign soil, you know), he's still way over-qualified for the position (fighting the "never ending battle for truth, justice, and the American Way" nonstop for 80 years!) but can't accept your protest write-in vote without publicly begging for it.

Way to go, America. Once you start to eliminate the candidates of value, you end up with a turd sandwich or a giant douche in the White House. Or worse.

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I received my Congressionally-approved $300 of Economic Stimulus yesterday alongside my income tax refund.

I've given a lot of thought about how to spend it. I decided to donate the sum to a presidential candidate's campaign fund.

No, I'm kidding. That'd be throwing my money away. I'm spending it on lottery tickets.

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CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, and all the local channels were reporting on the Virginia Tech shooting, so I changed channels and watched Revenge of the Nerds. Things that I noticed:

1. Breaking into campus housing, a sorority, and leaving cameras behind, the protagonist Nerds committed crimes including but not limited to Breaking and Entering, Criminal Trespass, Disorderly Conduct, Intrusion of Privacy, Unauthorized Videotaping, and Vandalism. No police investigation was depicted. (Granted, the Nerds committed these crimes in retaliation for similar crimes committed upon them, but retaliatory vigilantism is not a defensible stance in the eyes of the law.) Moral: Have fun at others expense; privacy and security are rules made to be broken!
2. During the Adams University sponsored Homecoming Carnival, one sanctioned event requires tricycle riding participants to drink one12-ounce can of beer for completing each of twenty laps around a short racing track, simulating a dangerous drinking-and-driving scenario. In addition to mocking DUI statutes, this reckless encouragement of binge drinking and excessive consumption can pose a serious health risk to those participating. Moral: Go ahead and drink and drive; trying to stay on both of the roads that you see will make you a better driver in the long run!
3. After essentially being raped by a man impersonating her boyfriend who has also widely distributed pictures of her in a state of advanced undress (another criminal act altogether, even if proceeds of the crime are going to charity), the head cheerleader, Betty Childs, decides to abandon her previously aggressive anti-Nerd role. Again, no investigation is indicated for the sexual misconduct of the Nerd in question, though since Ms. Childs is an adult and unwilling to press charges, unless someone complains about the indecent pictures, little legal action is necessitated. Moral: Use sex as a weapon, but be good at it!
4. Seven black fraternity members are threatening enough to the pro-Jock establishment that they cow them into allowing a voice to the Nerd minority. In this case, the African-Americans are actually supporting the previously unenforced rule of law rather than challenging it, but this clear depiction of unequal race relations is still a jarringly clear disparity between factions of the University community. Moral: Black people in fraternity sweaters are especially violent!

Violence on campus: still hilarious.

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When Superman foils a robbery, as a duly authorized deputy of the law, he can testify in court about what he stopped those criminals from robbing. When Batman subdues a rapist, as a sanctioned vigilante, he'll be left off the police record as the Gotham Police will cover for him. When Green Lantern stops a murderer, as an intergalactic policeman, he has an organized system to ensure that justice is served. When Aquaman encounters a litterer on the high seas, as the King of Atlantis, he can do pretty much whatever he wants to that litterer. But how do the more secretive heroes handle criminals?

Green Arrow is a masked vigilante who has no love for "the establishment." As a result, he has no official pull in the criminal justice system of the cities he has fought crime in. So when he catches a drug-trafficing punk and leaves that punk tied up outside the police station, what happens next? Arrow isn't going to testify in court about what happened, and the police aren't likely to take his word for anything while he maintains a secret identity. Even if Arrow left the drugs tied to the fellow, in court the punk could testify that they were planted after Arrow grabbed him, and who's going to prove that they weren't? Therefore, the punk would go free. Is it enough for Arrow to prevent the crime even if he didn't stop the criminal? Is the threat of being shot in a sensitive but non-fatal body part with an arrow a strong enough deterrent against crime for that criminal? And if Green Arrow does shoot the punk, then the punk can send the police after Arrow. No wonder the Arrow is so hostile towards "the system."

I think these are the sort of issues that cause most superheroes to fight costumed criminals. When you subdue someone dressed like a clock, you don't really have to worry about the lingering effects of how the courts treat him. When the cops find him dressed in a skin-tight costume modeled on a Texas Instruments TI-80 calculator, you don't have to worry that the cops will take his word over yours. And when you "accidentally" break the arms of a man dressed as a calendar, you know that no one will think that the broken arms are the strangest part of the case.

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It's been a busy week. I'm painting Dad's house, repairing Mom's front landscaping, and replacing brother's PS2. It only complicated things when I got stuck in the middle of a four-car chain reaction pile-up at the tail end of rush-hour a thundershower this afternoon. I was car #3. Car number 1, the one that started it all, is pictured below. It was driven by an hispanic 17-year old female. I was shocked into silence: I didn't know if I should complain about female drivers, minority drivers, or young drivers. (She took it much better than her father did: he looked like he was trying hard to choose between thanking God that she was alive or beating the life out of her.)

My Jeep suffered only the destruction of its bumperettes (yes, that's a technical term: it's those small D-shaped steel loops on the rear bumper) and the driver's seat now won't maintain an upright position. Worst of all? My Batman tire cover now has a tear in it. It will have to be replaced.

Last month I was complaining about mandatory seat-belt laws. It just so happens that I was wearing one when I got rear-ended. Go figure. You may have won this round, "The Man," but this war isn't over yet!

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Driving home from my father's house today, I was pulled over at the intersection of Atlanta Highway and Bethlehem Road by Sgt. Hinson of the Statham, Georgia police department. I think it is the very first time that I have ever peen pulled over that I wasn't nervous. I knew exactly what he pulled me over for: I wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

This marks the second time that I've ever been pulled over for a "Seat Belt" violation and the third time that I've been pulled over in Statham GA. The other 2 times I've been stopped in Statham (pronounced STATE-um by the locals for reasons that I don't understand) were for speeding. Neither resulted in a ticket, just a verbal chiding. (I was told that I could exceed the speed limit by as much as 14 mph and get away with it by decree of the Statham mayor.) Amusingly enough, neither of the times that I was pulled over for speeding was I wearing a seat belt.

In the state of Georgia, the fine for not wearing a seat belt (GA State Law code violation 40.8.76.1) is $15.00. I don't yet know if the city of Atlanta charges more, as they haven't much seemed to care if I'm endangering myself on the few times that I have encountered them. Sgt. Hinson was very kind to remind me that the violation doesn't count points off of my driver's license, so clearly I can repeat this violation as many times as I wish without putting my ability to drive in question.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the lawmakers who drafted and passed the law that encourages police officers to ticket otherwise compliant and safe drivers on lazy Sunday afternoons for a violation that threatened no one's life but my own. (Certainly, Superman never stopped traffic to make sure that Jimmy buckled up.) I'm pleased to start April off with a bang, dashing Statham's hope of achieving a 100% rating for seat belt use for the month.

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